It's been a year and a half since I donned the gold okesa; receiving authorization to teach in the Bright Dawn Center of Oneness Buddhism.  As I sit here with a fussy cat wiggling on my lap and snow piling up outside my window, I can't help but ponder how life has changed in that time.  And how I've changed with it.

When I first applied to Rev. Koyo's lay ministry training program I was feeling lost.  I'd just returned from an 8-month retreat, which involved me traversing the United States, meditating, studying sutras, and doing farm work in exchange for room and board.  

My time on the road was one of the greatest chapters of my life, but in some ways, it was also the saddest.  It forced me to let go of some of my fondest illusions.

Namely, it forced me to accept what my teachers had told me all along.  Nirvana doesn't exist outside of ourselves.  It can't be found in a job, on a farm, or in some far-flung destination.  

The search for Nirvana must begin and end within ourselves.  Anything else is a delusion.

That was a hard pill to swallow.  For many years, I'd had a mental wall, which separated my spiritual life from my mundane one.  And while my time on the road poked holes in that delusion, I still saw the world in black and white with Buddhism being good and everyday life being bad.

Thankfully, I wasn't the first Buddhist to make this mistake.  In fact, Shinran Shonin (1173-1262), the founder of Pureland Buddhism in Japan felt the same way after spending 20 years as a Tendai Buddhist monk.  So, he left the monastery and took up the practice of nembutsu; relying on Amida Buddha for salvation in lieu of ascetic practices.

Over the next 800 years, the practice went through many iterations including the Dobokai reform movement of the 1940s; which affirmed that the Buddhist Pureland exists in this present life and Amida Buddha is a symbol of our own internal enlightenment.  

Bright Dawn was born out of this reform movement, and its modernist approach to Buddhism was exactly what I needed.  Over the course of two years, I read books, wrote papers, and discussed the integration of Buddhist practice and daily life with other lay ministry students.

During this same time period, I stuck with my Zen practice, which started with JDPSN Linc Rhodes of the Indianapolis Zen Center and continues with Ven. Shih Ying Fa of Cloudwater Zendo.  Some people may find it strange that I'm studying with two teachers at the same time, but it feels right to me.

Over the years, my sitting practice has blended with my nembutsu practice to the point that I honestly don't know where one stops and the other one begins.

In any event, I received teacher authorization from Rev. Koyo during an induction ceremony at the Bright Dawn Center in May of 2018.  As a result of that ceremony, I have the following empowerments:

• I can use the title Sensei
• I can give the precepts
• I can give Dharma talks and teach meditation

Some traditions don't allow for lay teachers, but it's common in Pureland Buddhism where clergy often certify minister's assistants and lay ministers to help with a growing congregation.  So, when people ask me to explain my role, I often compare it to being a deacon in a Christian church.  I'm not an ordained member of the clergy, but I can help out when one isn't available.  

But if I'm being honest, I don't think I fully understood what I was getting into when I started lay minister training.  I don't think I appreciated how heavy these robes can be.  

As a teacher, I'm expected to embody the Dharma, so that others can see it in action.  I don't have the luxury of posting my every thought on social media or lashing out when I feel mistreated.  Each time I make a choice, I have to ask myself, "how will this reflect on the sangha?"

But pretending that I know everything doesn't seem right.  So, much of my writing over the past year and a half has been confessional in nature.  I've discussed my doubts, my heartbreaks, and how I've used Buddhism to work through them.  In the face of tragedy and turmoil, this is the most honest teaching I can give.

Overall, I'd say I'm more humble now that I was when that picture of me and Rev. Koyo was taken.  My hard edges have been rounded off, and there's more spaciousness inside of me.  When students ask me questions, I'm reminded that I don't have all of the answers.  And this understanding pushes me deeper into the Dharma each day.

Because I'm realizing that nothing changed when I became a Buddhist teacher.  I'm still a foolish, ordinary being.  And now, as before, all I can do is sit, chant, and bow as Buddha instructed 2,600 years ago.

Namu Amida Butsu

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Reflections of a Buddhist Lay Minister