As the morning sun peers through my window, I wake up and begin to take stock of my situation. My arms are covered with
angry scratches from the two days I spent cutting down a hedge
row in the orchard. My lower back aches from the twice-daily ritual of
carrying buckets of water to the chicken coop, and my dreams are
filled with images of hay, mulch, and manure. I've learned two
things this week. First, farming is hard work! Second, I need to
get back in shape. Over the years, I've tried to maintain a regular
weight lifting schedule, but my body is clearly unprepared for farm
life. I groan like a ninety year-old man in need of a hip replacement as
I sit up on the edge of my bed. To say that I'm discouraged is an
understatement.
"Is the whole six
months going to be like this?" I wonder. I try giving myself a
pep talk about the good work that I'm doing here. I think about the
people that will have healthy, chemical-free food to eat, and how I
enjoy being close to nature every day. But it doesn't help. In
fact, I honestly don't care about any of the things that motivated me to come
out here. In this moment, I'm in pain, and I want it to stop.
Period. Suddenly, I remember a conversation I had with a friend several months
ago, we'll call him Kyle. Kyle and I met last summer when we both
volunteered at an intentional community in Indiana. He expressed an
interest in Zen, so we chatted about my personal experience with the practice. One of our conversations went like this:
Me: I read
somewhere that the key to getting rid of desire is learning to accept each
moment exactly "as
is". It makes sense in theory, but I have trouble with it in
practice
Kyle:
Actually, that makes a lot of sense to me.
Me: Really?
Kyle: Yeah,
it's like I haven't taken many showers since I got here, but when I was in the
fields the other day, I
realized that being dirty only feels bad when I want to be clean.
I didn't realize how
profound Kyle's statement was in that moment. But now, when I'm fighting the urge to hide in my sleeping bag in the hopes that no one finds me, I have a
realization. "Being dirty only feels bad when I want to be
clean". It wasn't the dirt on Kyle's body that decided how he
felt about his situation. It was how he thought about that dirt that
mattered. When he stopped wanting to be clean, and just accepted that he was going to be dirty for a while, his outlook improved . What if I
stop wanting my body to be pain-free? What if I just accept
that I’m going to be in pain for a while?
As these thoughts enter my brain, a small crack opens up in my
mind. I think back over the past week,
and chuckle softly to myself. I’ve been
doing hard, manual labor for the past five days. Did I really think that I could do that and
not feel any muscle soreness?!
The crack
in my mind expands a little wider as I ponder this. It’s not a huge shift in my thinking, but it’s
enough for me to stop feeling sorry for myself.
I stand up slowly, and my legs scream in protest. It hurts, but it’s manageable. As each second passes, my discomfort feels
less like some kind of cosmic torture, and more like a rite of passage. “I’m going to be a goddamn farmer,” I mutter
to myself. Through gritted teeth I bend
over and pull on my jeans and work boots.
The movement helps to loosen up my back.
Next, I do some yoga stretches, and my hamstrings soften ever so slightly
in response. Finally, I sit on my
cushion, and begin counting my breathes.
I have one hour before the work day begins. I need to get ready.
You explain things so nicely and clearly, Your blog and videos are really helping me to keep up my motivation and continue to try practice the path. My heart felt thank you for these contributions.
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